I put at least one semicolon in every painting. Sometimes more – either because I forget whether I already did it and I can’t find the first one or because I am using them as a stylistic element or both. I also add a semicolon on the back of every painting so it can’t be missed. And I have a semicolon tattoo.
Semicolons are symbols of how suicide impacts the living. They are a reminder that your story is up to you. That you are the author of your story. And that your story is not over yet. You might think your story is a miserable horrible intolerably painful one, but as long as there is a semicolon and not a period, your story is ongoing and the story arc might turn upward at any time. You cannot know what lies ahead.
I made a suicidal gesture in 2007. I am eternally grateful I survived. My life has gone places I never could have imagined then. And I have experienced happiness and love that I never would have believed possible. I still have suicidal ideation when times are dark. Those of us raised in trauma often find the idea of suicide comforting. Suicidal ideation is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign you have survived hard things and you are still hanging on. Suicidal ideation is how your soul tells you that your story needs to change direction. That whatever you write after the semicolon needs to take you somewhere better than what was before the semicolon.
For me, the semicolon is a symbol of freedom. A symbol to live as though I have nothing to lose. To take risks and aim higher. For me, getting to a place where I was ready to give up on life and then surviving instead, that taught me the stuff I thought was important was so not important. And now I am willing to let go of ideas and people that do not move me forward, but I am never willing to let go of hope again.
Never give up.
You are here for a reason. If there are people who do not get that, fuck ’em. I don’t care who they are. Set yourself free. Trust your gut and start your next chapter now. Swing your story arc upward. Healing is real.
Take care of you. Joy, pleasure, rest.
